What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
