Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You are the jesus of drinking
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Randomize
