hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
