My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize