she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Ketchup is God's man juice
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
