I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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