we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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