Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
