i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
