Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
