not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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