dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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