She went from zero to smokin in five shots
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
