Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
