I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
