i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
