I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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