I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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