Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
