My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
