You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
