Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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