lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
