shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
