And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
