we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
