When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
