Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
