I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
do nipples grow back?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
