dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
