I want to make a zoo with you.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
