peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
