My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
