im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
