I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
