he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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