he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
