Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
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