my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
