Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
Where did you get a picture of my penis
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
