Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
