There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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