my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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