it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
