My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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