How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize