It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
