So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
