I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
