I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
