We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
