hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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