i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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