That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
50% drunk capacity currently
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I want a musical about memes.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
