Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
