I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
