but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize