his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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