The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
