Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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