That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
