update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
