My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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