Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
