Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
