Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
