Your mouth is God's brothel.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize
