I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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