I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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