Just cropdusted the office
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
