i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
